The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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