got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
