Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
