It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
