I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
