masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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