bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
