last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Green mimosas i think yes
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
