I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
