I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
