The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Semen is not good for contacts.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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