got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
