I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
