i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
