if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic