when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
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So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.