so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
