I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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