watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
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Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
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The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.