i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
