I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
