if i died would you start the facebook group?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
