best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
