I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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