ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
