There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
