I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
