I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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