I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
