i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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