Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
