She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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