we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
