There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
