Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
