All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
