I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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