my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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