he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't deserve a penis
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
