just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
