How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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