I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize