Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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