So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
