My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
