no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
