I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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