you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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