i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
