i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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