Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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