chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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