if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass