At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies