I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
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By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
They took my balls.
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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