Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
