Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
