there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
