i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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