I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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