I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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