Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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