Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
