Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have fence marks all over my body
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
